I finally pieced together some footage from my trip to Thailand last May. But the only thing this video reminded me of was how much I didn’t get on film—or in photos. And how badly I need to go back during peak season. I didn’t get any footage riding in the back of a tuk-tuk, watching the sunset over Bangkok from State Tower, playing with tigers, doing shots with bartenders, running around the beach with a French rugby player, riding up the Chao Phraya River at sunset, walking through ornate temples, or getting violently ill from curry. Nor did I get any footage of the homeless guy who persuaded me to buy rice whiskey at the carryout, the friendly cab driver who couldn’t understand why a young blonde like me was traveling alone, the kids who tried to sell me a bicycle, or the man who’d gone to medical school in New York before returning back to Phuket. But I’ll take this as a learning experience, both for filming and editing.
It’s by no means perfect, and the quality is kind of really shitty. But I just had to pull something together against this song—Sleepwalking Through the Mekong by Morgan Page—since it was basically the soundtrack to my entire trip. Enjoy!
My stomach is a mysterious pit of reactionary behavior. It has no problem handling lethal amounts of Taco Bell. But it also has its sensitive side, leaving me ill for days after eating a bowl of [un]Lucky Charms that were recalled because of the green food dye. True story.
Before going to Thailand the only Thai food I’d ever had was a few bites of some rice and veggie dish years ago in Florida. So I played it safe when I got there, slowly indulging to avoid the sudden onset of Thai Tummy. I started with mostly Western breakfasts and lunches with foods I was already used to.
This plate just screams “I’m a 12 year old picky American who’s totally missing out on awesome food”Sushi should be safe, right?
Then I finally graduated to proper, but light, Thai lunches including my personal favorite Tom Yum Soup (though I still avoided most of the shellfish).
Appetizers: Tom Yum Soup, some Thai fried egg omelette, and spring rolls
Then I had my first intimate encounter with a real Thai dish. Two days before leaving Phuket it was (still) down pouring and my snorkeling trip to the Phi Phi Islands had to be rescheduled for the next day. So I decided to treat myself to a fancy, slightly expensive dinner and try something I’d been drooling over since I arrived: Thai green curry with coconut milk and beef.
I’ve never had curry before, and despite my love of Mexican food I’m not really a fan of things that are too spicy. This dish was basically too spicy for my mouth to handle. But I was determined not to look like a wimpy tourist so I ate most of the meal like a champ. Then I cooled my burning tongue with two scoops of coconut and chocolate ice cream before taking a leisurely stroll back to the hotel to relax in the jacuzzi.
It all looked so good going inEven mixed with rice, still spicy as hellI should’ve just stuck to this deliciously cold ice cream for dinner
I called it an early night in preparation for the last full day of my trip—boating, snorkeling, shopping, and going to a Muay Thai fight. It was the perfect rainy evening really. That was, until I shot awake at 3am feeling like I had been stabbed in the stomach by a ninja of the night.
The pain pierced my stomach to the beat of the pouring rain on the glass sliding doors. Then it hit me—I need to be on the toilet and I need to be on it now. Actually, I should’ve been in the bathroom like 10 seconds ago. And WHY ON EARTH were my shorts still on? I ran faster than I’ve ever ran in my life and luckily made it just in time. I hoped that was it. One bout of violent illness was enough to get whatever that was out of my system, right? So I made my way back towards the bed but siiiiike—the urge struck again before my second butt cheek even touched the mattress.
The second time I made it back to bed was a bit more successful and I tried my best to fall asleep in a pool of sweat. But sleep was impossible. Literally, every five minutes I’d get the immediate urge to projectile-empty the entire contents of my stomach out of whichever end provided a closer escape route. I was crying, confused, and absolutely disgusting. Suddenly the idea of taking a strong sleeping pill and sleeping naked in the tub seemed like the most reasonable solution.
Now, I’m a lady, I’m not supposed to talk about disgusting things like bowel movements—especially ones as abnormal as this—but holy shit. Literally. I finally understand the whole “I’m not sure what end it was going to come out of” saying, because several times I found myself looking to see if I could successfully move my rather thick American thighs far enough apart to vomit between them while on the toilet. WHY WAS THERE NOT A TRASH CAN IN THIS BATHROOM?
This went on for hours before I was finally able to get back to sleep. I woke up ill, had to cancel my snorkeling trip, and suddenly I was furious with Thailand. The front desk lady offered to bring me juice, but instead I asked if she could bring any sort of bread-like substance similar to toast. Does that even exist in Thailand? She sent a runner out and he came to my room with a croissant from Starbucks. But it smelled like Thailand. It didn’t taste like it, but it had that spicy curry smell that lingers in the thick humid air and as sick as I was, I just couldn’t really get past it. I just laid there sipping Sprite and water, hoping I could pull my shit together long enough to run out for some Imodium. I had come equipped with Pepto Bismol chewables but every time I put one of those in my mouth it induced pink vomit straight out of my nose. All I could think was “I have to get some water in me before I end up dehydrated and in the hospital” followed by “Oh fuck, I have to get on an airplane for a 30 hour flight tomorrow, how long does this shit last?”
Ordinarily I’d like to think I’m a pretty strong person, but let me tell you this: I am a needy, whiny, pathetic piece of vulnerable shit when I’m sick. I just want to lay in bed and throw myself a pity party, and I only want my mom to be within a 10 foot radius of me. And I will moan and whine in a “poor me” voice day and night. But my mom was 10,000 miles away, and 11 hours behind me in time. So I Skyped her. And finally after a half day curled up in the fetal position crying on video chat to Dr Mom, I was able to run downstairs to the pharmacy for some Imodium. It was a risky move I did with clenched butt cheeks, but you gotta do what you gotta do when you’re traveling alone.
I’d spent my entire full last day in bed, laughing (on the inside) at the mockery I was making of this gorgeous hotel room. It was a picture-perfect honeymoon suite: multi-room, glass enclosed shower and jacuzzi, huge bed, and a cozy balcony looking out at the Andaman Sea. And here I was, a lone girl soaked in sweat with various liquids and noises coming from multiple orifices. No wonder I’m single…
The pristine bathroom at its height of gloryAt least I had a nice view to sob toThe immaculately clean tub I considered passing out inOh, did I mention that the sun came out for the first time while I was stuck in bed all day?Seriously, could I have picked a nicer bathroom to get violently ill in?
I may have missed a day and a half of sunny island hopping and a Muay Thai fight, but the silver lining: I lost 7 pounds! And no, I still can’t even smell curry without wanting to vomit.Luckily the upset stomach had subsided (thanks to tons of medicine) before my flight, and I was able to get through all 30+ hours with only mild cramping and paranoia of grossing out an entire plane full of passengers.
You know those touristy things that you really don’t want to do, but you kind of feel like you have to? For me, visiting James Bond Island was one of them. It just sounded like another overpriced, overcrowded outing, especially since I’ve never seen any of the movies. (I should confess now that I’ve actually never really seen ANY movies. I didn’t even realize that I actually liked movies until about 2007, and by then I already had a pretty faithful time-wasting commitment to the internet.)
I paid about $75 USD for yet another day tour from some random company through my hotel. Unfortunately the entire day was quite underwhelming. At most it was nothing more than a sightseeing tour for lazy people.
My tour van left for Phang Nga Bay around 8am with an Australian honeymooning couple (again). On the way we stopped at Monkey Temple (again), and while we were inside it started pouring down rain (again). Like, couldn’t-see-the-monkey-flying-towards-your-face rain. Luckily we didn’t stay long before continuing on for some sea-canoeing.
Lovely trip mates. But I crashed their honeymoon, so the guy decided to photobomb me.
I was SUPER excited for the sea-canoeing. I mean it’s basically kayaking, right? How sweet was it going be to paddle through limestone rocks and get lost in hidden caves? Turns out, not that fun when you’re not the one doing the paddling. Yeah. They wouldn’t let me paddle. I even tried to bribe them to get my own raft but they made me jump into one with a guide and stick close to the other groups. Ughhhhhhh. So boring. It wasn’t even like I could go on an epic photo-taking mission either because the weather was horrible and all of the shots looked like shit. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still glad I got to see all of this, I just think that of all the days I spent in Phuket I really wish the weather would’ve cleared up on this day—at least for an hour or so. The biggest reason I was so excited about Thailand was to see those limestones jutting out of the turquoise waters and into the bright blue sky. Instead they were hidden in a hazy sky, and they just lacked that wow factor that I’d seen in so many great photographs.
I wish this was my back yard
More limestones. More clouds.
At one point I had to lay flat in the raft so we could make it under this low-lying limestone to make it into the cave. A wave came along and I definitely hit a few jagged edges, but no damage.
Lying on my back, trying to snap a pic on the way out of the cave
Inside a cave full of bats and touristsToo. Many. Tourists.I got a paddle lodged in my head.
After tipping my tour guy 50 Baht (all of the other tourists were doing so, right in the open. I felt obligated) we headed on to Khao Tapu, better known as James Bond Island, where The Man With The Golden Gun was filmed. Having never seen the movie, my “that’s cool” moment lasted about .6 seconds. But the tourists. Oh my God. Sure that giant rock looks all secluded and shit in the pictures. But photographers really need to turn around and take a snap of the spot they were standing to get that shot. And go figure, it’s just like another gigantic flea market with EVERYBODY trying to sell you something!
Would’ve been so much prettier with a blue skyThis was my half-assed Captain Morgan pose.From the other side of the lens: the side they don’t show you in all of those pretty travel books
Thirty minutes later I used the squat toilet and rinsed myself with a probably super clean communal cup of water before jumping back into the longboat. The ride over for lunch was probably the best part of the day, and not just because I love food. We cruised around the bay until reaching Koh Panyi, which oddly reminded me of a neighborhood from District 9 (yes I’ve seen it, it came out after I was hip to movies, in 2009). The guide informed us that Koh Panyi was built as a fishing village in the eighteenth century by a group of nomadic fishermen. Back then people of non-Thai descent weren’t allowed to own land so they got crafty and built up a village on stilts. Since then it’s become a main lunch stop on these Phang Nga Bay tours, but it didn’t feel very touristy at all outside of the restaurant. It was actually quite fascinating to see these people emerge from their houses over the water. I couldn’t help but wonder if they ever get seasick.
I question the stability of these docks.How bad would it suck to live here and then find out that you’re a sleepwalker?This was right before he dumped some black shit into the water
I’ve heard that you can find self-paddle tours out in Phang Nga Bay. I highly recommend doing one of those instead. And if you’re hoping for some awesome pics, I’d go on a sunny day and possibly even closer to sunrise or sunset. Other than that, if James Bond Island is a must then make it a quick must, but definitely set aside some time to explore Koh Panyi.
Every day in Bangkok I found myself chugging endless amounts of water while wandering around in the hazy, humid streets wondering why I was sweating so much more than everybody else. I could hardly wait to spend five days soaking up the sun on Patong Beach. Unfortunately Mother Nature had other plans.
If there is one thing I could say about my time in Phuket during rainy season it’s that it was in fact, rainy. And I don’t mean a tropical shower here and there, I mean downpours, all the time. It became clear very quickly that I would have very little time to work on my tan, so I started looking for a plan B. So one grey, dreary day I figured I’d embrace the wetness and go on a white water rafting and ATV riding tour from my hotel.
So this happened. For like five days straight.
I don’t usually do tours, but since my aimless wandering abilities were severely hindered by the weather I figured it couldn’t hurt to get out and be social. The plan was to go rafting during the rainy morning hours, have lunch, then hopefully the rain would let up before it was time to go four wheeling. The tour bus picked me up in a car full of honeymooners—a type of crowd I was becoming all too familiar with. Except this tour actually had one other lone traveler besides myself! Yes, we hung out.
We stopped at Monkey Temple, which is basically a cave with monkeys going bananas for bananas out front. Packs of tourists were feeding them as they hissed, screamed, and fought each other, while climbing up people to try and steal something for ransom of more bananas. Frankly I was a little nervous about some rabid monkey attacking my face so I opted to keep my distance from the ones that looked particularly crazy.
Mama and her babyHis face says “Duuuuurrrr, look at this banana!” but his balls say “look at us!”Yeah, no thanks.
After realizing that monkeys are angry little scavengers, we drove out into the jungle for my first white water rafting experience. I figured Thailand was as good a place as any to embrace the wet weather and try rafting. I had no idea what I was supposed to wear so I followed suit with the other girl in my raft and stripped down to my tank top and bikini bottoms. The first rapid proved what a stupid idea this was. I got a huge wedgie, exposing my bare white ass cheek to everyone in my raft and behind me. And I was too busy trying not to lose my paddle or fly out face first onto a rock to pick it out. And that’s not even the worst part—the hits had pushed me back onto the guy behind me so his knee was nearly up my butt with every bump. Yeah, not cute.
Could my head be any bigger?Waiting for the dam to release
At first I was too focused on staying in the raft and recovering from my wardrobe malfunction to realize that I had transformed my body into a stiff block of cement basically just waiting for disaster. Then I realized I need to loosen up a bit and move my body WITH the raft rather than be violently surprised whenever we hit a rapid. But this wasn’t until after I hit the guide in the face with my paddle. It only took me three minutes to violate the one rule of keeping your oar in the water. And here I was worried that I was going to lose the thing.
Strategically placed waterspot over the face I’d just smashed with my paddleSorry for the ass in your face, guyRafter pileupTrying, and failing, to get a decent action shot
Miraculously I got the hang of it about five minutes in and made it down the river without falling out of the raft. But at the end I was ready to get into some dry clothes. But Mother Nature took that as a cue to dump more rain on us, monsoon style. We raced through the winding mountain roads in the bed of a canopied truck to eat some lunch and hope for the rain to let up. Of course while all 30 of us were eating they played the highlight reel from the rafting—so everyone got to see me nearly kill the instructor all over again.
Seeking refuge from the rain with a group from SingaporeNothing to complain about on this rainy drive
The rain never let up so I decided to just embrace the fact that I was going to get wet, and hopped on the four wheeler. The jungle looked perfect. The clouds were hanging low through the mountains and trees. There was mud everywhere. And the warm rain dripped from the thick canopies of leaves. Suddenly I was glad that I’d chosen to go four wheeling on a rainy day. Once I accepted the fact that I was going to get wet and muddy I had the time of my life. I was a little cautious when we first started on the wide open flat paths, but five minutes in I was feeling like a bit of a badass and I started flooring it up steep hills and off-road paths. We climbed up muddy slopes while dodging tree branches and steering into the mud puddles. We finally got to this valley where we drove through about a foot of water when I decided to start a water fight with the other single guy I’d been torturing all day (yes the same poor guy I had my bare ass on just hours earlier).
Why is this not my back yard?Feeling like a badass in my pink helmetRiding out to the jungleTrying to stop for a pic of the water without letting the guy behind me catch up, because I’m competitive like that
Right before speeding down a 20 foot hill and getting a mouth full of mud
When we finished I was soaked and covered head to toe in mud—but of course my camera died. I was ready for more but we had to rinse and dry off for the two hour trek back to our hotels. Sigh.
I really cannot put into words how amazing it felt to just say fuck it and enjoy getting messy for a change. I don’t think I would’ve had as much fun going four wheeling or rafting on a clear, sunny day. Lesson learned; don’t let shitty weather stop you from having a blast. Just figure out how to use it to your advantage.
I just got back from my biggest trip to date, and if I had to sum it up in one word I’d say: absolutelyinfuckingcredible (stories/proof to come!). I didn’t really know what to expect upon arriving in Thailand, but here are a few tips that could help you out if you’re planning a trip to the land of smiles. Some you’ll find on other travel sites, and others, well I learned them the hard way.
1. EVERYBODY will try to rip you off Seriously. I thought it would just be the street vendors and tuk-tuk drivers, but no. Even the hotel reservations desk was trying to charge me more than necessary for my room. And they’re all SO FREAKING NICE that you don’t even realize they’re doing it.
2. Be alert and ready to stop whatever you’re doing at 8A and 6P
The Thai national anthem belts out throughout Bangkok twice a day. If you’re in a public place and you hear this, stop whatever you’re doing and freeze in place to pay respect until it’s over. Don’t be like me—the girl walking through Lumpini Park oblivious to the standstill motion of passerbys until about 20 seconds in. And obviously, don’t talk shit about the royal family. Ever. The girl at the front desk of my hotel in Phuket did, and everyone stopped and looked at her as she nervously clamored an apology while speaking up to the ceiling. Then she whispered something about voice recorders to me.
3. Pack long pants and shirts with sleeves Thailand’s hot but you can’t get away with barely-there daisy dukes and spaghetti straps. Pack some more conservative options for visiting places of worship or you won’t be able to get in. That means covering up your knees and shoulders. Yes if you’re in Bangkok there’s a good chance it will be unbearably hot, and yes it sucks. But while we’re at it, if you’re a woman with blonde hair try not to draw any more attention to yourself with bright dresses and western hemlines. It does not make for a comfortable experience. Cover up. The only people who want to see your cleavage are people you don’t want to see your cleavage.
Past-the-knee shorts and a shirt with sleeves was plenty of coverage for Tiger Temple
4. Always carry a copy of your passport
Apparently it’s a law in Thailand and you can be arrested if an officer stops you and you don’t have the real thing or a copy. Obviously a copy is the safer option for carrying around all day.
5. Always carry tissues Most places keep toilet paper in the common area near the sinks. But if you’re used to it being toilet-side, you can bet you’ll forget to grab some on the way in on more than one occasion. Avoid the “bum gun + shaking your ass to air dry” combo and just keep some tissue on you at all times. That way, you’re always prepared no matter the situation—even for a squat toilet. Also, hand sanitizer comes in mighty handy.
6.Get ready to put your foot down when you get in a tuk-tuk or a taxi Immediately they’ll give you some inflated tourist price, so negotiate down. And make sure you reach an agreed upon price before you get in. Think that’s the end of the negotiating? Probably not. Once you’re in they’ll likely tell you that they’re giving you the lowered fare in return for taking you to do some dress/gem shopping along the way. Even when you tell them no ten times (and think you’ve reached a mutual agreement that you would just like to get your destination quickly and hassle-free), watch the path they’re taking you on. I had to jump out of a tuk-tuk after this happened and we turned down a dimly lit alley heading in the opposite direction of my hotel.
Shady ass tuk-tuk driver taking me for the ride of my life through the streets of Bangkok
7. Think twice about using the water for anything
Not only should you not drink tap water in Phuket, but you should also think twice before hand-washing your clothes in the water. I sweat, a LOT, and I wanted to try and get some of the stench out of my clothes before packing them up for a 30hr journey home. I was so proud of myself for this ingenious laundry technique, but the smell that that water left on my clothes is the worst thing I have ever smelled in my entire life. Ever. My backpack still reeks.
8. Be sure you actually want what you’re buying Money returns aren’t really a thing in Thailand.
9. Beware of rice whiskey By all means don’t be afraid to try stuff, but don’t take random advice from homeless strangers and try the rice whiskey behind the counter at 7/11 unless you’ve got a serious palette for strong alcohol. I can handle a wide variety of alcohol, but let me tell you—that shit was like ipecac syrup for me.
Do not put this anywhere near your mouth or nose unless you feel like puking
10. Be ready for attention if you’re a woman of non-Thai descent traveling alone If you’re a single female traveling alone, nearly everyone will ask why your boyfriend isn’t traveling with you. It may feel a bit like prying and a sneaky attempt to find out if you’re DTF when it comes from men, but one Thai woman told me that it is out of genuine curiosity and not meant to be offensive at all.
11. Know what kind of food you can handle BEFORE you go It’s always great to try new foods, but definitely try and accustom yourself to local cuisines before traveling. Don’t be like me and go all “Man vs Food” style on a gigantic plate of green curry and spicy peppers if you’re not used to spicy foods. Otherwise you’ll end up eating Pepto and Immodium for the next 10 meals and bribing the bellboy to bring you any sort of rehydrating fluid.
F you evil green curry, f you.
12. Thais do not know as much English as you may think Thais in the tourist-heavy parts of Bangkok and Phuket speak a great deal of English, but not as much as I thought based on my research. It seems they know just enough English to do their jobs, but aside from that don’t be surprised if you don’t have much further of a conversation. Also, many have not heard of New York City (gasp)!
13. Traveling alone during rainy season may limit your activities You might not want to head to Thailand during rainy season if you’re traveling alone and you’re interested in doing lots of island hopping or tours/excursions such as an overnight camping trip in Khao Sok National Park. Several times I was denied a trip because they need at least two people to make it worth their money or time. And since there aren’t that many people touring during that time of year, the odds of booking it along with a group is a bit less likely.
Get comfortable with crashing honeymoons if you’re traveling solo in Thailand
14. Some islands actually close during the rainy season If you’re planning to do some scuba diving don’t travel to the Andaman Sea side of Thailand during the rainy season. Several islands close this time of year and it’s actually illegal, not to mention dangerous, to go diving then.
15. If you rent a car or motorbike, be careful Traffic is a free for all and there seems to be minimal safety regulations. I’ve read that lots of tourists get in severe, even fatal accidents regularly. Follow your common sense about safety precautions such as helmets and other protective wear, and pay attention to everyone around you. People drive around on mopeds with their newborn infants in one arm.
Of course I could go on for paragraphs and paragraphs, but the best piece of advice I have for Thailand is just to go. Experience everything you can, see all different parts of the country, and just try to get a taste of Thai culture. The people are remarkable, friendly, and genuinely intriguing. Use your common sense and be open to new experiences and you’ll have a great time! I definitely plan to go back during high season and do some island hopping myself.
The other day I was lucky enough to get a decent amount of money for referring a friend who was hired at our company. I should’ve put it directly towards my credit card bills, but I just did that with my entire tax return. So screw it, I’m going somewhere. Somewhere far, unlike any place I’ve ever been before so that I can experience true culture shock. I want to feel uncomfortable, lost, and far away from anything I’ve ever known.
So I’m going to Thailand.
Yes, I’ll probably stay close to the tourist hotspots like Bangkok and Phuket, but it will still be completely foreign to me since I know nothing about Thailand other than they had a huge Tsunami in 04, and it’s a place where both horny expats and honeymooning lovers go. I’ve only tried Thai food once, and to be embarrassingly honest I really don’t know much about Asia at all.
I’ll be traveling from May 18th – May 29th, spending over 55 hours in airports and airplanes. And sure it’s rainy season, but that just translates to affordable for me. It’s all about the silver lining people. My glass is always half full!
It’s rather unlike me to book such a huge trip just a month in advance, but this is an experiment at becoming a more adventurous on-the-go traveler. And I don’t plan on doing much research or planning because I don’t want to know what to expect. But I did jot down a few thoughts running through my mind in my notebook last night*.
It’s going to be an exciting journey. Stay tuned!
*See scanned image above. Apologies for my dreadful handwriting
